March 24, 2008
Dear Michael,
Hi, I’m 19 years old and I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years, but now I’m having second thoughts. It’s not that I don’t love him – I do. It’s just that I moved several hundred miles to be with him and work while he went to college. Now I’m thinking that I’m missing my own opportunity for college (I had received a full scholarship at a college near my home). I know that college will always be there for me, but it will take Mike a while to get a job in his field, and I can’t afford college where we now live. What should I do? I really feel lost.
Thanks, Lost
Dear Lost,
You may want to listen to your intuition. At your age you need to give your own future a priority. While you say that "college will always be there for you," it won't. Don't pass by this decision so lightly. Don't make one of the biggest decisions of your life by not making a decision. Too many people push off making a decision thinking they can always make it in the future and in doing so they really make a decision, but not the decision they would have made. It's one of the biggest decision mistakes people make, and the ones they regret the most. Here's your decision: Do you go to college or not? Visualize your life with and without a college education. I'll speculate that if you put off going to college now that you never will. You are only 19, and if your relationship with your fiance is strong then you can find a way to go to college and make the relationship work at the same time. You also need to think about your own future in the chance that your relationship with him doesn't work.
Be in control of your own life. Make this decision now. I don't usually advise people on a specific decision, but I always encourage people to go to college. It's almost always the right decision over the longer run.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
March 17, 2008
Dear Michael,
I recently got out of prison and am living in a halfway house because I do not have a job or any money. All of the staff at the house are demeaning and constantly monitor my every move. I have been on the list to move into a homeless women's shelter and am now at the top of the list and can move. Here’s my decision: Do I move to the homeless women's shelter or stay at the Federal Halfway House? I am not sure what to do.
Thanks, New Start
Dear New Start,
You now have a new start in life! Good for you. Make the most of it by making good decisions.
Start now. Take a piece of paper out and write down the good things (and bad things) of going to the homeless women's shelter or staying at the halfway house. Buf first think about what you want to do with your life. Write that down too. Keep it with you to remind you of what you want and don't want from life. And then decide what you need to do to get it. Start with getting a job. This will give you the money you need and help give you confidence also. You will also find that being at a job isn't demeaning - it can make you feel worthwhile. You may find it difficult to get a job, but don't give up. Decide what you want and go after it. Making the most of your life will take work - it does for everyone - but you are ready to do it now.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck. Make the most of your new start. I'm cheering for you!
Michael
March 10, 2008
Dear Michael,
Hi, I am going through tough time in my life, and this decision where I need your help can get me on track or can get me off track further. Let me define for you first my problem. I have been unemployed for the last 12 months. I value divine help and guidance which is what made me come to USA. Now that I have been here for the last month, I have come to know that my skill set is not very suitable for the job market in the USA. If I stay in here and improve my technical skills, I can most likely get a job in about 3 to 6 months. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that my sponsor will not cancel my visa within this time. Since moving here, I have received a job offer in another country and I am confused what to do – stay in the USA and take a risk to improve my technical skills or go back and take this job offer?
Thanks, Job Advice
Dear Job Advice,
This is a complex decision with many factors to consider. To help you with this, I've created a decision sheet that allows you to visualize how you can make this decision the best possible way. You can download the decision sheet by clicking here.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
Job Advice Responds,
I am really relieved by going through the decision making sheet you provided to me. The whole situation is now very clear to me and the good thing is that I have made a decision:) which seemed very complex until yesterday. Please send me more links like the one you have sent me now which could also help me to plan myself better on the decision I have made now.
God bless you with an abundance of happiness and prosperity.
Best regards,
Job Advice
March 3, 2008
Dear Michael,
I’m having a hard time with my relationship right now. My boyfriend is being all rude to me lately. He’s been giving me a test to see if I pass it then he tells me that life isn’t fair. He’s just been acting so weird. He says I treat him like an animal when I hardly do anything. I sit around waiting for him, but all he does is play his stupid computer games. He’s not polite to me anymore and calls me really bad names. I went to bed this past week crying and he just doesn’t care. I just want to spend time with him, but all he wants to do is test me and play games. I can’t get through to him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s changed. He doesn’t listen to me he just calls me names and keeps blaming me for everything. My friends tell me that I need to move on. I know I do, but I’ve been with him for 4 years and it’s so hard. When I do try to move on I break down and cave and go back to him. Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks, Stuck
Dear Stuck,
You have control over your own life. You can decide if he is the right man for you or not. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. Maybe he likes his games more than you. Maybe he is addicted to them. Tell yourself you need to make a decision, make the decision, and then do what you decide - no matter how difficult it is in the short run. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't waste it. You may want to read the lesson on our website about Boiling Frogs. It may be that you are like the frog in boiling water.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
February 25, 2008
Dear Michael,
I’ve been dating a woman for 5 months. We’re both newly divorced and both away from our ex for over a year. We had really good chemistry the first few months but she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to get serious because I have a young child who lives with my ex. It seemed as if our mutual chemistry was very strong until after the thanksgiving holiday when she met my child for the first time at dinner. They were very good with each other at dinner and seemed to get along very well. In the weeks that followed, she became more distant until after New Years, when she told me she wanted to cut back how much we see each other because she wasn’t ready to get serious. She tells me now that she’s not sure she wants to get serious with me because of my child, yet we’re only dating and have made no plans for living together or even expressing love for one another. She also states that this is just not where she’s at in life. The chemistry was there. Now she’s not even natural about things because she holds back too much. How can I help her to understand that my daughter isn’t an issue for her to become serious with me? I have strong feelings for her and believe we could be happy if I can help her see this from a different perspective. She has two grown children and has no friends with small children. We’ve gone from seeing each other 3 or 4 nights a week to only 1 or 2 in the last 4 weeks and I want more time than she’s willing to give. What do I do?
Thanks, Lost
Dear Lost,
Relationship decisions are complicated because both people need to make a similar decision at the same time to create a successful relationship. In addition to each deciding that they are interested in the other, they each need to be at the same point in their lives and looking for a compatible lifestyle. Your girlfriend may be at a different point in her life with her children grown and may be reluctant to have the responsibility for a younger child again. While I wouldn't give up if you love her, you need to respect that she may have different criteria for her relationship decision.
Don't give up yet if you really love her. Maybe your love for her and her for you can overcome her reluctance.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
February 18, 2008
Dear Michael,
I recently moved to the West Coast from Maine to be closer to my 2 grown children and one grandchild. It’s only closer by air though, since they live in Alaska. I came out to Oregon and bought a house quickly so I could make the move. When I arrived I was shocked to see how depressed the neighborhood was and I became very depressed at the decision I made. Now I am trying to sell my home and get back to Maine, but I have lost a lot and can no longer afford the kind of house I had before I moved. If I do go back there I will only see my family once per year instead of staying here and enjoying them 3-4 times per year. Should I stay because of them or try to make myself happy with a better living situation than this one. I could do that better in Maine. One day I want to get out of here. The next day I question it. So I think I need some help.
Thanks, Move Back Home?
Dear Move Back Home,
This is a complex and frustrating decision. It's more difficult because you seem to have made a bad decision in choosing the house you bought and don't want to make another bad decision. You need to evaluate both alternatives thoroughly. I suggest that you use our decision worksheet, which you can get for free on our web site at the following location (http://www.decidebetter.com/docs/Alternative_Options.pdf) Make sure to write down your specific objectives and what is important to you. You can then evaluate the alternatives against these.
To Evaluate the alternative of moving back to Maine, you may need to look at possible properties that you can afford to buy. You should even go as far as to get a real estate agent to find some alternatives. You may find that home prices in Maine may have also dropped, but maybe not as much as yours. You should get an estimate of what you can sell your house for. You shouldn't try to make this decision without having all of the information that you need.
Once you have all of this written down, you may want to get some input from your friends and family. Another set of eyes looking at this analysis would be helpful.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
February 11, 2008
Dear Michael,
How do I decide ... between a beautiful, loving relationship and having the lifestyle I was used to before this relationship. My boyfriend is passionate and truly loves me, but we don't do the things and live the upscale lifestyle that I'm used to. Should I find someone else who I may not have passion with but would have the lifestyle I want? Or should I hold out and find someone who I have passion with AND the lifestyle I want? Or should I stick with the man who truly loves me under the moon and stars above, deeply (the one I am with now)? I am in my 50s and I think time is running out to find the right person. I'm so confused because I love him and he loves me so much, but sometimes, I think I can do better as far as my social life. Am I living a fantasy? My ex-husband had a lot of money and we used to stay in 5 star hotels. I miss that, but we had no passion in that relationship. Please help me. I have been going around in circles for several years now.
Thanks, Around in Circles
Dear Around in Circles,
It's always difficult to make a choice between two very different alternatives. Maybe you can have everything you want with another man, but you don't know that for sure. You may be able to find a man who meets both your lifestyle and passion needs. Yet that is not certain, so you also have to choose between what you have and what may be out there. This makes it even more difficult. Fundamentally, you need to decide if you can be happy in your current relationship or not. You seem to express some doubts in your email. Maybe the passion is wearing off and your other needs are getting stronger?
If you are not truly happy, then you should begin to look for someone who can make you happy. Don't hesitate. Decide and get on with it.
Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to relationship decisions like these.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
February 4, 2008
Dear Michael,
I don’t know which college I should go to. I don’t have too much money, so right now I’m looking for scholarships. I need some help deciding whether I should go to a community college for 2 years first or go straight to a university. Can you help me with this?
Thanks, College Help
Dear College Help,
Don't let money be the first screen on which colleges to apply to. It's a mistake to not apply to a college based on financial resources. Wait until you get accepted and find out about financial aid before you decide if you can afford it or not. All colleges today provide financial aid based on your ability to pay, and very few students actually pay the states price for tuition. Some colleges may offer more than others, but you won't know until you apply. Generally you want to go to the best college you can get into and that college will work with you to try to make it work financially. Your high school college placement advisors should be able to help you.
It's a two step decision process: (1) apply to the colleges that you would like to attend and that you think you can get into. You can use your SATs and class rank as a guide for selecting colleges that you would quality for. Be sure to submit all of the financial aid applications. Don't wait - do it now. (2) When you are accepted, then you should consider your ability to pay based on financial aid. You will be able to make it work financially. Here is another tip. Once you are accepted, you can usually ask for more financial aid and get it from the college.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
January 28, 2008
Dear Michael,
I've been with my boyfriend for more than 6 years now, and I'm still undecided on marrying him. I have previously been very sure about marrying him but in these last two years, I've been surrounded by extreme doubt. We fight at least twice a month even with my best efforts to stop it. Our fights are lour and his yelling really upsets me. I feel like I'm trying to always calm him down when we fight. I understand how dysfunctional this is and I don't want to live this way forever. We love each other very much but even I am smart enough to know sometimes love isn't enough. Do you have any wise words looking in from the outside?
Thanks, Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Only you (and your boyfriend) can make this decision. You have been in "extreme doubt" for the last two years and this may be an indication that it might not get better in the future. You need to decide if you can eliminate the fighting or live with the consequences of it. My suggestion is that you work on this decision and not let it slip. We have several lessons on this website that you might find helpful: Frog in Boiling Water, See If It Fits, and Decision Deadlines are three I recommend.
Set a deadline to make a decision - maybe in six months. And then work toward that deadline. You may want to do this together with your boyfriend or on your own. I don't know either of you so I can't recommend which is better. You should use this time to see if you can eliminate the fighting and consider what your life would be like in either alternative. I know that it's hard to evaluate the unknown of life without him, but it does open up many possibilities too.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
January 21, 2008
Dear Michael,
I have been troubled for the past year because I am married and I cheated on my husband of 20 years one time. Our marriage was suffering before this happened, and it still is. The man I dated is married too. The two of us were such good friends (at least I thought we were) for several years. Then one thing led to another, which caught me by surprise (I didn't initiate it). I said some mean things to him in an email out of my confusion, and although we both knew it would never work out together, since we were both married, I still wanted to end it on a good note and still be friends. I didn't want to be best friends, but rather have a mutual friendship where we would both be at peace with each other. Do you think this is possible? Am I looking for a miracle?
Thanks, A
Dear A,
I don't know if it's possible or will take a miracle for you to be at peace with each other. In these situations, and in all relationships, it usually takes both people to reach a common decision, or at least an acceptable decision, even if not desired by both. I suggest that you keep talking calmly with this man, telling him what you want and hope for the friendship. Over time it may sink in and he may accept it. You may end up at peace with each other, but not get back to where you were or where you would like to be ideally. If so, you need to accept it too.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
December 17, 2007
Dear Michael,
I recently made a career change from being a Secretary to become a Medical Assistant. The reason why I did this was because of a corporate layoff. It triggered something in my brain, saying "I need something secure." The medical field, I thought, was the right way to go. I was only offered a certain amount of time for school and it didn't really achieve much for me in the end. It's been frustrating trying to find a Medical Assistant job that pays a decent salary. This is when I realized that I made a huge mistake. What was I thinking going from 45K to 20K? Talk about a bad decision! Now I have a few opportunities to accept an Executive Assistant position in a hospital or to be a Medical Assistant. Which career should I choose and what would pay off in the end? I need your help soon!
Thanks, In Need of Job Advice.
Dear In Need of Job Advice,
Sounds like you are convinced that you made a bad decision. Everybody does from time to time. Maybe you over-reacted to the need for security. I'm not familiar with your specific background or opportunities, so I can't give you specified advice. But I suggest that you aggressively look at opportunities to go back into being a secretary if that's what you want. Take some time to look broadly at opportunities. There are a lot of websites and local listings for job opportunities. Start looking right at the beginning of the new year. In the meantime take some time over the holidays to put together a list of what is important to you in finding a job. Then match these to the opportunities.
Maybe you acted too quickly on your last decision. That's OK. We all learn from our decision mistakes. But this time you need to thoroughly examine all opportunities and decide what you want. I suggest that you read some of the lessons on our website to help you think through this decision.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck.
Michael
__________________________
December 10, 2007
Dear Michael,
My boyfriend and I have been together (but not married) for more than 15 years and we have two boys together. The thing is that we have broken up more times than I can remember, most times because of his drinking. We are broken up right now because of his drinking and because he has hit me. He wants to work things out and tells me he will never drink again. He has told me this before but keeps going back to drinking. I do have strong feelings for him but right now I need time to think. When I tell him this he thinks I have someone else. He will not leave me alone to think. I don't want to hurt him but he is always asking me if we can get back together and I'm not ready right now and don't know if I ever will be. How do I tell him that without him getting mad or being too hurt? Our eldest son wants him out of our lives forever and is happy that we are broken up. I'm so confused.
Thanks, Confused.
Dear Confused,
You are very right: you need some time to think about what you need to do. This is an unhealthy situation for you and your son, and you need to either be sure you can change it or move away from it. Tell him you need time to think and be firm about taking the time, but also make sure that you and your son are safe while you are thinking about what to do. Set your objective to be in a healthy environment and then make your decision and stick to it.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good luck. Have the courage to do what you know is right.
Michael
__________________________
December 4, 2007
Dear Michael,
My daughter, who's in her early 30s, has financially strapped herself into debt and cannot pay any of the household expenses, including her rent. I have an opportunity to get married next year (I'm in my 60s) but I'm afraid of telling my daughter that I'm moving out. She is a potentially dangerous person, and she expects me to let her move in with us and support her, even though she has a full-time job. What should I do?
Thanks,
What Next?
Dear What Next?,
You have a right to make your decisions that affect your life, especially with regard to your 31-year old daughter. Since your decision does affect her, and she may need to make her own decisions as a result, you should talk with her about it. It sounds like you have some time since you aren't planning on moving in until next year, so sit down and talk with her. Tell her that you want to get married and move, that you want to have your own life together, that you are concerned how it will affect her, and ask for her input. You are mostly asking for her input to help her understand your feelings and prepare her for your decision. The decision in the end is yours, not hers, and while you should consider her, you should make this decision for yourself.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
__________________________
November 26, 2007
Dear Michael,
I made a decision 2 years ago to divorce my husband. There were several reasons why that all seemed like deal breakers for our marraige. We both agreed to move on. I can't stop thinking that we gave up too soon. I miss him so much and I want to try again. He has made it clear that he wants to move on. All I want to do is make contact with him and tell him my feelings. I haven't. But every day, I miss him and think about what I should say to him. I don't want to waste anymore time. i know I need to move forward somehow. But I can't seem to move on without him in my life. I don't know if I should contact him or do something to make me forget him.
Thanks,
Move On?
Dear Move On?,
As you know, you need to make a decision to move on or try again. Unfortunately, the decision to try again is not just your decision to make. Your former husband also needs to make a similar decision to try again. I sometimes refer to this as timing: two people need to agree on a mutual decision like this. The problem is that each person is sometimes at a different point in his/her life.
If your former husband isn't open to trying again, then the only decision you can make is to move on. Although it can be a little scary; it is also open with exciting possibilities and the hope of a new life. It's a new path for you to follow. I realize there is a lot of pain in letting go, even after two years, but you have so much ahead of you.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
__________________________
November 12, 2007
Dear Michael,
I've been in a relationship for going on seven years. Now I'm at the point in my life, I need help getting pointed in the right direction. My boyfriend is terrified of commitment. We have broken up once before, and he realized that he could not live without me. He has told me before that he loves me and can't live without me, and knows that there is nobody out there who will treat him better than I do. We are both in our upper 20's. We don't live together but we do spend a lot of time together. I've put myself out there so many times for him, to prove to him how much I love him. Just recently I expressed how hurt I feel not having someone tell me they love me, or show me. He doesn't seem to understand how important this is for me. I'm ready to settle down and have a family, but I don't want to push him into anything he's not ready for. For someone who can't live without me, he has a funny way of showing it.
In the past two months, I've pushed myself away a little and given him space. I thought this would give him time to think about what he wants, but I see no improvement. He has not brought up breaking up, or taking a break from one another. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, however doesn't want to give me his all. I'm to the point I'm ready to walk away, and do this for myself and make myself happy. I just don't know how to do it, I love him so much, and I'd love to spend the rest of my life with him, but only if BOTH of us would be happy.
Thanks,
Happy
Dear Happy,
Timing is one of the most difficult and frustrating issues in relationships. The commitment you are looking for is a joint decision. Sometimes one person is ready while the other isn't yet. Sometimes they work it out and reach a joint decision and sometimes they don't. After 7 years, you have a right to expect a commitment. I suggest that you set yourself a deadline to make a decision - 3 to 6 months. Discuss this with your boyfriend rationally, but don't pressure him. Talk it through and understand his thoughts and fears. It's important to reach the right decision and not just get him to make a commitment. If he isn't showing you that he loves you, it may be a warning sign after 7 years. Too often in these situations one person consents to a commitment under pressure or at a weak moment when they are not ready and then it doesn't work out.
While it takes both of you to make a commitment decision, you are in control of your own life. If he isn't ready or isn't the right person to spend your life with, then make the decision to move on. Your life is the sum of the decisions you make, not the decisions of others.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
__________________________
November 5, 2007
Dear Michael,
My older brother and I share my parents house and 5 and a half acres of land they left to us when they passed away. My brother has worked for 35 years until his company shut down. It has been over 5 years since that has happened and all he has done since then is sit on the couch watching TV. All of this time wasted on TV. He has not tried to improve himself or find other employement, until now - because he has used all of his money in savings and now he is broke. He told me he has closed out his bank account and now he has no money to pay next month's bills. I knew this day would come but he waited until all his money was gone and I was not told this until now. We own no outstanding debt - just our monthly utility bills, which we now cannot pay next month. I already cancelled the TV satellite and one of my other brother's gave him a TV antenna, and now he is back to watching TV again. He is not making much effort in finding a job after all these years of unemployment. I myself have worked some in the past and I know I will need employment also. It has gotten to the point with me that I am strongly thinking about finding a 1 bedroom apartment just for myself. If things don't change with my brother, I am afraid he will bring me down with him, and I don't know if we will recover from this if our bills go unpaid. So I need advice on this matter because I am tired and fed up with his lack of effort.
Thanks,
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Sounds like you and your brother need to sit down together and decide what to do with the house. You should list the alternatives, including selling the house since he can't pay the bills, and talk them through with him. I realize that this might be difficult but you will probably end up worse if you wait longer to address it. You should have this discussion calmly and do it at a time when he is in the mood to discuss it. My experience with similar situations is that it will probably take a little time and several conversations to decide jointly what to do, and you are better off doing this jointly if you can.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions, you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
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October 30, 2007
Dear Michael,
When I married my husband 27 years ago, I also ended up marrying his grown daughter (now 46 years old). She continually tries to make all of our decisions; and yes, I have allowed it, to keep my marraige peaceful. Now after 27 years, I know this was the wrong decision, to let my stepdaughter have her way all the time. The daughter continually, and more often, expects me to also put up with her mother (the ex-wife). The ex-wife is not a big factor; only when the daughter insists she be included. I want to slowly correct this...and am not sure how. My husband gets on the defensive if I try to discuss it. Thank you for your advice on how to keep the peace and keep my composure; I love my husband dearly.
Thanks,
Anxious
Dear Anxious,
You are on the right track to correcting this problem by knowing that you need to correct it slowly. Pick and choose some decisions where you express your opinion first and strongly and then stick to it making sure that you get the message across that you are making the decision. You can also create some decisions that the family needs to make and put yourself in the position to make the decision. You can also start with small decisions such as where to go for dinner and make those. You may want to be prepared to get criticized if you make what is perceived to be a bad decision since your step-daughter will probably fight back for control initially. So you may want to pick and choose decisions initially where you are sure. Another thing you should consider is to talk with your husband about a decision you disagree with and ask him for his support. You should be able to get this in the right situations and this will show that you are having more control over decisions. This might be appropriate for decisions that involve your husband's ex-wife.
You have clearly identified your problem and have a great attitude, so I know you will be able to fix this decision-making problem.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions, and control your life. By making better decisions, you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
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October 23, 2007
Dear Michael,
My 85-year-old Mom with mid-stage Alzheimer's is cared for in her home by my daughter - her grand-daugter - age 31. My daughter insisted on doing this 2 years ago against my better wishes. She quit her job, and draws a small salary and lives rent free with my Mom.
My daughter is now having stress-related health problems. I live 1000 miles away and handle the money. I am a professional who works full-time, am recently separated, and am paying cash to send 2 of my other daughters to college.
I have offered to bring my Mom here to live with me but my daughter is sure the move would kill my Mom, who has seldom left her home since 1949. She is cognizant of where she lives. I have the legal authority to bring my Mom here whether my daughter wants this or not. Should I insist?
Thanks,
Please Help
Dear Please Help,
You face a difficult decision. I cannot tell you what you should do, but I can give you some advice on how to go about making the decision. Take the time to write down the alternatives, and there may be more than two if you are creative. List the pro's and con's of each alternative, and then discuss them with everyone involved: all of your children, the daughter who is taking care of her, and your mother if possible. Try to get everyone to understand that this is a difficult decision with no easy answer. Even if there isn't a consensus (and there probably won't be), everyone will appreciate that you had to make a difficult decision. Then make the decision. Don't necessarily do what is good just for others and not for you. You deserve to make the decisions to shape your own life, not just others. Then don't look back. Don't second guess your decision. You will never know how the other alternative would have turned out, so don't speculate that it would have been better.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. The Decision Doctor is experienced in making decisions and is not a medical doctor or expert in all areas. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions and control your life. By making better decisions, you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
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October 15, 2007
Dear Michael,
I am 30 years old. I've been running from place to place, from job to job for so long. I know I need to go back to school and I know where my interests lie, but I'm just having so much trouble making that final commitment to a career. I have no children, I'm single, and I have the opportunity to go back to school for 4 years, but I just can't make this break. How did I end up on your page - I'm unsure - but I really need advice right now.
Thanks,
Noncommittal
Dear Noncommittal,
You have started to make the big decision, so complete it. Go back to school. Do it now - don't wait. Start in January if you can. Decide on a school that has a range of career opportunities that interest you, and then when you are there pick the career you want. Read the lesson on our website on "Boiling Frogs". Don't be like a frog in boiling water. Set a deadline for yourself and start acting on it. You will immediately feel better about yourself and will get your life on the right track. Don't wait any longer, make your decision now.
You take full responsibility for your own decisions. The Decision Doctor is experienced in making decisions and is not a medical doctor or expert in all areas. Our advice is intended to help you with your decision-making process, not the decisions themselves. We hope you will make better decisions and have a better life as a result, but if you follow this advice, you agree not to hold us liable for the results of your decisions. Sometimes even good decisions don't work out. Make the best decisions you can make, accept responsibility for your decisions and control your life. By making better decisions, you will shape a better life.
Good Luck,
Michael
__________________________
October 10, 2007
Dear Michael,
Hi, I have been married for almost 27 years. We have two daughters who are 15 and 18 years old. My wife and I have never seemed to do much talking to each other our whole marraige. We have always had problems with money. My wife has a problem with credit cards. And she has had this problem for many years now. I have bailed her out of her debts many times. But she keeps going back in debt. We have had to file for Chapter 11 two times in the last 10 years. She has told me that she was going to keep me in debt so bad that I would never have any money for myself or anyone else. I have had an affair but broke it off when she found out about it. And that was over 6 years ago. I've got to the point where I don't care anything about being with my wife or doing anything with her. I guess with everything that I have put up with for her, I have fallen out of love with her.
Thanks,
Unhappy
Dear Unhappy,
It seems like you have given the marraige more than enough time to be successful, and it doesn't work on most levels. You need to make a big decision on what to do. With major decisions like this there are a lot of implications such as financial, children, etc. and you should seek some advice before you make the decision. I suggest that you talk with a counselor, or a minister if you are religious, and that you also meet with an attorney to get their advice. Then make your decisions. Don't put this stuff off. Start now to make the decisions that will make you happy again. Set a target date for you to make this decision by. You will start to feel better already, knowing that you have more hope in the future. You Deserve it.
My advice is intended to guide you on the way you make decisions, not the decisions themselves. You have control of your life through the decisions you make. By making better decisions you will make yourself a better life.
Thank you,
Michael
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October 1, 2007
Dear Michael,
I have a chance to move to my home state in November. At present, I live with my daughter and my 2 grandsons. My daughter is getting a divorce. If I leave in November, I leave them with little money. However, if I stay, I will have to move in the spring anyway because she will be moving in with her boyfriend. If I don't move in November, I lose the chance to rent my sister's home very cheap. I don't know if I can leave my grandkids this way, but I really want to go home. Can you help?
Sincerely,
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
This is a difficult decision for you. I suggest that you sit down and talk with your daughter about this. It seems from the tone of your letter that you really want to move home, but need to get your daughter to say that it’s OK. What will you do come the spring when she moves in with her boyfriend? Will you be able to move back home or will the opportunity pass? Think through what will happen with either decision in both the next few months as well as in the future. Other alternatives may come up when you discuss this with your daughter. Whatever you decide, do it with conviction and don’t doubt your decision.
My advice is intended to guide you on the way you make decisions, not the decisions themselves. You have control of your life through the decisions you make. By making better decisions you will make yourself a better life.
Sincerely,
Michael
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September 24, 2007
Dear Michael:
In March of 2002, we made the biggest decision in our lives. I decided to pursue a degree at the age of 41. I had accumulated a lot of experience, but I felt that I was not receiving the benefits of this knowledge after spending 16 years in a manufacturing plant and had a small catering business on the side. I still felt it was not enough and there had to be more. So the wife and I moved to Dallas, Texas. Everything was going good. I landed a job that was paying for my degree - 100 percent. I could not ask for more. But then it all fell apart before my very eyes. The company decided they were no longer going to pay for my college - after I made a decision to change schools and pursue another field of study. I became furious and left the company. Since that decision, I have not been able to stay at any company for more that a year. I am writing to you because I need help in my decision making. I am presently working for a good company that pays me what I feel I am worth, but my decision making needs improvement. My job is in jeopardy.
Thank You,
Need to Decide Better
Dear Need to Decide Better,
Life is full of important decisions, and you can’t get all of them right. It’s easy to feel in hindsight that you made a bad decision, but you don’t always know what’s going to happen. For example, could you have anticipated that the company was going to cut off educational benefits? Use your experience in making decisions wisely and you will get better at it. We will be sending you a decision making lesson every week. I suggest that you not only read these, but use them to reflect on how it would have helped you make better decisions. Set an objective for yourself to improve your decision making just as you would improve your health or golf game.
My advice is intended to guide you on the way you make decisions, not the decisions themselves. You have control of your life through the decisions you make. By making better decisions you will make yourself a better life.
Thank you,
Michael
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September 17, 2007
Dear Michael:
I am surgical coordinator for doctors. I have worked very closely with one of the docs for the past 3 1/2 yrs. We are really attuned to one another. My husband passed away last year. My teen son had major operations and this doc was there for me. I’ve asked him for a drink and never accepts. I was bold enough to ask him why he turned me down and he says we work together and that’s the reason. He is single as am I. I have deep feelings for him and thought of telling him but of course the job factors in. We are both in our 50's. Sometimes he seems to care as much as I. My heart tells me to just tell him that life is short.
Sincerely,
Help
Dear Help:
Some people have decided to set certain policies which guide their decisions in life. With these policies they have predetermined future decisions, no matter the circumstances. While this may inhibit them from pursuing some opportunities, it does simplify their lives and helps them to avoid painful complexities. (See link to Closed Minded People) Your doctor friend appears to have decided on a policy that he won’t date anyone he works with, and there are good reasons for this. Inevitably it causes problems, and he is aware of this. Many people have the same personal policy and most corporations, possible even your hospital, have policies that prohibit people in any supervisory relationship from dating. If so then, there is an added reason that this could be a problem.
Try to accept the policy he has established for himself and respect him for it. Realize that there is probably a policy at your hospital that prohibits this. You shouldn't take this as a rejection of you as a person in any way. If you decide to pursue a new relationship, I suggest you begin to actively look outside the workplace.
My advice is intended to guide you on the way you make decisions, not the decisions themselves. You have control of your life through the decisions you make. By making better decisions, you will make yourself a better life.
Sincerely,
Michael
__________________________
Dear Michael:
I’m in a dilemma and maybe you can give me some guidance. I hate my current job and started looking for other job opportunities. Fortunately I have a couple. Unfortunately they are very different. One is in a similar field as a software test engineer (I’m currently a junior software engineer). It’s a better company and in Atlanta where I currently live. The other opportunity is as an entry-level consultant. While the job is based in Atlanta, I will travel a lot, which I find exciting, but I’m concerned that I will not have as much time with my friends. I also expect that this will pay the most money, but it’s a small company which could be risky. The third job opportunity is in software training, which is where my career interests are, but it’s in Chicago, and I’m not sure of a colder climate.
I don’t have any of the offers yet, but I’m starting to worry about which one I would choose. I’m losing sleep at night over this and agonizing over the potential decision. Can you give me some guidance?
Sincerely,
Job Dilemma
Dear Job Dilemma:
Sounds like you are facing an “Apples or Oranges” problem -- each of the three possibilities is very different. Generally this problem is heightened because you haven’t yet determined your own priorities. I suggest that you start by working first on your priorities. What is most important: the professional career you aspire to, the company you work for, time with your friends, the opportunity to travel, the people you will be working with, where you live, how much money you make, etc. Try listing each of your priorities, and then rank them by importance. You could try to assign a weight to each of them, but I’ve found that that doesn’t always work well. Take some time and think through your priorities, since this is what will determine your decision. Bad decisions frequently come from not considering some critical priorities until after you made the decision when it’s too late.
Once you determine your priorities, you can apply these to each of your alternatives and see how they compare. You may need to do some research at this point: how stable is the small company, what do you think about Chicago (that’s why you need to visit there), what are the long-term opportunities in software testing, etc. Generally you will easily eliminate one of the alternatives and then you can compare the other two in more detail. I encourage you to consider the future implications of these alternatives as well as the short-term ones. For example, if you relocate to Chicago, you may end up living there for some time. You also may stay in the company you choose for many years, even if you change jobs within the company. Likewise, your next choice of jobs may determine your subsequent career options. Consulting has an advantage here because it gives you flexibility on your subsequent career choices.
You also will face a practical issue. In order to have valid choices, you need to try to get all of the alternative offers open for decision at the same time. Otherwise you risk rejecting one job offer while still waiting for the others, which may not come. To do this, you can ask for time to decide when the first offer is made and then try to accelerate the other offers. Frequently just telling them that you have another offer, but are more interested in their job, will help to accelerate the other offers. Note, this technique also works to increase their interest in you (see the lesson on Nowor Never).
Once you find that you are leaning toward a particular decision, try it on for size (see the lesson on See If It Fits). For example, if you are leaning toward the job in Chicago, take a few days to pretend what it would be like to not see your friends. Since you may not have too long to make a decision once an offer is made, you may want to “try it on” in advance of the offer.
And then you still have another alternative and that is to pass on all of the alternative offers and stay where you are for a little longer while you search for a better opportunity. Without complicating your decision, this may be a valid consideration if none of the offers fit your priorities well enough.
In the end it’s your decision. Spend time working on it instead of worrying about it. Use your energy constructively, and you will make your best decision.
Michael
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